


Dear Phil (Phan)

by thegirlwholikestowrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Children, Coping, Cute Kids, Dan needs a hug, M/M, Past Character Death, Walks In The Park, phil is dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:15:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4299141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlwholikestowrite/pseuds/thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan finds a familiar face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Phil (Phan)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to Dear Dan, which you can read here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/3793009

He had been sitting on that bench for way too long. He was thinking too much and crying too much and doing this too much. It was getting exhausting.

He watched the children as they played, their little games helping the dark volcano inside him calm. They looked content. They looked pure innocent and untouched. They weren’t in pain yet. They didn’t hurt. They didn’t know what excruciating pain like this felt like.

Dan didn’t either. 

Not until a month ago. 

Not until he lost Phil in a car accident. 

He wasn’t being dramatic. He wasn’t being cliche with watching kids after death. It was therapeutic. Seeing that there was still some life left in people somehow helped him. 

He looked a little girl with blond long curls, her bright blue eyes. 

He watched as a tall boy built a sand castle. 

He watched as another boy ran around the park, to the swings, up to the slide. 

The chattering of parents and chirping of birds kept him from thinking. For a scary thirty minutes he forgot about his troubles, pain, Phil. 

Dealing with this wasn’t easy. 

He still lived in the same apartment he shared with Phil. He still made YouTube videos. He still hung out with the same people. 

He hadn’t allowed himself to let go of the idea of Phil. 

He noticed him in little things he did everyday and it hurt but he at least remembered. 

Maybe he was torturing himself with looking at a life from a different perspective he knew he no longer could have with Phil. 

His fears multiplied. He found himself spacing out. He found himself staring at the bathroom wall for hours. He found himself soaked in water, not remembering how he got there. 

Without Phil he wasn’t much. 

His eyes fell on a little boy with a black fringe. His back was turned to him but he was just a small copy of Phil. His chest hurt. He squeezed his phone inside his palm. The little kid turned around, facing dan. His blue green and yellow eyes stared into Dan. He hadn’t realized he was crying. 

“Sir, are you okay?”

Same damn accent too, he thought. 

“Yeah. Yeah… I am okay. You just… reminded me of someone.”

“Oh.”

“What's your name?”

“Mike.”

Phillip Michael Lester. 

“Nice to meet you mike I’m Dan. Dan Howell.”

“What do you have on your face?”

“What?”

“Like the little holes.”

Dan couldn’t contain his laugh. 

“They are called dimples. Do you like them?”

“They look better when you smile.”

Dan nodded, plastering a not so fake smile on his face. 

“My mom says I shouldn’t talk to strangers but you don’t look bad. Are you bad?”

“No. Not at all. Wouldn’t hurt a butterfly.”

“My mom once told me people who aren’t afraid to cry are good people. Then you are good.”

Dan patted him on the back and smiled. Mike looked like Phil. Entirely. Everything about him resembled the man he was in love with. He didn’t want to let go. It was the closest he would have gotten to see Phil other than his videos. He talked to him for hours, bought him ice cream. 

Then went home. 

He made a video about him. 

A tribute to Phil. 

Something he should have done earlier. 

Something special for Phil on his channel other than the thirty minute video talking about how he was now a whole new person without Phil. 

He was afraid of what people would say to him after the video. 

He didn’t check the comments. 

He shut his computer down and left the house. 

Took a walk some part of London he hadn’t seen before. 

He felt good. 

First time in a month, he felt alive. Phil wasn’t but glimpses of him still lingered behind, on this world, inside Dan. He was everywhere. He wasn’t going away.   
He went to sleep knowing that. That Phil did have an impact on people. His existence wasn’t for nothing. 


End file.
